Author: J.M. Cullen

I know, a topic that sounds too strange to be found on earth. What comes to my mind are Vulcan women—dispassionate, all-business, no sensitivity.

When my feet touch earth once again, I think of the ladies I have had extraordinary conversations with, who eschew small talk, preferring mentally stimulating topics instead.

But dating these women, I’ve found that before our first date, they’ve already imagined a myriad of ways we can experience new things and grow in tandem. The problem is if I take my laid back, easy-going nature with me on those dates, their assessment of me is often lacking. “Show me a satisfied man, and I’ll show you a failure.”

Here’s an idea: Take a tyrant of a man and make them fall in love with an ENTP woman. Can you do it? Will it be a happy, Hallmark ending, or a tragedy?

Some men eschew dominance, preferring democratic approaches, and working hard to ensure everyone’s voice is heard, and everyone’s perspective is given equal light under the sun. Being open-minded, rules feel constrictive, dampening their creative powers. As ideas capture their attention, they go all-in working hard behind the scenes to see the project to completion. When others focus on the challenges and lose their way during challenging situations, these men have the benefit of far-reaching vision.

Often, these men take their idealism too far, and find disappointment as evil, again and again, conquers the world. Wanting to give to the world, they often give more than they are able, ignoring important people in their lives and paying too little attention to a healthy self. Taking their passions too far, they may forget to eat or sleep. Often, they’re so focused on the big picture that small details, facts, and data that contradict their ideals become insurmountable challenges.

Because these men are private, yet take things personally, it is difficult for others to offer friendly suggestions and critique. Notoriously difficult to get to know, understanding what motivates these men are often misunderstood. Their guilt for being so private hinders their ability to open up, often causing downward spirals in their life.

It is difficult to imagine an antagonist with these character traits. How many open-minded villains can you think of? I’ll bet dozens of supporting roles come to mind. Maybe even a few protagonists along the way. So, here’s a challenge for you: write an INFP villain—introverted, quiet, who prefers solitude to understand and make sense of the complexities they see, who use subjective criteria to make decisions, and who remains flexible and keeps their options open.

Note: Originally posted in the early days, moved as part of site cleanup.

Two-thirds of women, according to the personality distribution charts, use personal values, feelings and subjective criteria when making decisions. They are primarily motivated by appreciation. This should come as no surprise to anyone who is observing.

Combine this trait with outgoing enthusiasm, and you end up with someone who loves with her whole heart, observes intently, and makes social connections easily and almost effortlessly. As a result, they are excited about their new findings and share them with anyone who will listen. This natural ability to explore fails to maintain interest as tasks drift toward routine, administrative matters.

Because they care deeply, they are often stressed and easily overwhelmed. When stressed, their sensitivity bounces back as emotional outbursts that are often counter-productive at best. Especially when they view others attempting to help them as micro-managing. Checks and balances is a pill they’d rather not swallow.

Everyone has multiple projects left undone. We all feel the pressure of returning to them and finishing them. Because we don’t, we often feel a sense of shame. If allowed to simmer, that shame becomes toxic–to ourselves and others.

Consider this when writing the next conflict involving a female character.

While some men see systemic machinations, others look through all the inter-connections through a prism of emotion and mysticism. These men look for deeper meanings in complexity. There are no irrelevant actions, and every shift in sentiment is a clue to hidden meanings.

When they’ve discovered new insights, they won’t hold their tongue. They share, excitedly with anyone who will listen. In their enthusiasm, they create new connections and steer conversations toward things they’re interested in so naturally that others often fail to notice.

For all their enthusiasm, at the start, their ability to maintain drains away when tasks shift to routine administrative matters. They’d rather think high in the sky and philosophize where the project could go rather than take temporary steps to get them there.

Because expressing emotion is at their core, when under stress, criticism, or conflict it usually comes out backed by their enthusiasm. These emotional outbursts are often counter-productive. Checks and balances, which keeps everyone accountable, are hard pills to swallow.

Here, relationships are joyous encounters of mutual exploration and imagination. And while they take these relationships seriously with uninhibited and unshaken devotion, their fantasizing about future possibilities while ignoring the present often leads them to feel misunderstood. When troubles hit the relationship, as they always will, worrying over what went wrong plague them crushing their self-esteem as they sink into depression.

Their drive to express ideas about a mystical, all-encompassing energy in a physical world bound by space and time comes across as flightiness, erratic, and inconsistent with reality.

These make for wonderful characters in our stories. How have you used this personality type?

Some intuitive people understand multiple sides of a story and prefer to reach people on their own level, be it through facts, logic, or raw emotion. This trait draws people toward them, because, hey, who doesn’t like a strong personality? But when intuitive people become too sensitive, take too much to heart, and bury themselves in their hopeful promises, they turn desperate and needy. Others lose their self-esteem because they fail to meet goals.

All this intuition brings with it an inability to make decisions, especially if the imagined consequences of their actions are humanitarian.

These are women who take relationships seriously, too much, too fast. They need commitments—early and deep. However, they also need to know the relationship is steady—often testing their partner. If their partner doesn’t visibly express affection, they retreat into themselves and worry ceaselessly. You’ll find that they sometimes even sacrifice their own principles to keep the peace. When the underlying issues are not fully resolved, pressure builds into resentment and often leads to destruction of the relationship they are trying to sustain.

Other personality types have a difficult time keeping up with women who enjoy lending a helping hand to anyone and everyone. Especially those that shy away from the constant need to be social. This is because they take pride in nurturing and inspiring strong values everywhere. As parents, whatever their children need to learn and grow, the ENFJ mother give the time and energy necessary to provide it. But they leave the disciplining and confronting undesired behavior to the fathers.

Do you have a favorite female character that embodies these characteristics?

Have you ever known someone who believes in the inherent goodness of people? Sure, there are skeptics out there–people who say that others are out to get them, who espouse the “dog eat dog” mentality and cut into line when they are in a hurry. And there are those who “forgive” these negative people, giving them the benefit of the doubt because, as they say, “there but for the grace of God go I.”

Women like these don’t care much for domineering attitudes, preferring to hear and understand everyone’s perspectives before making judgments. But once they’ve made up their mind, they’re all in, throwing everything they’ve got into the project. When the going gets tough, their far-reaching vision keeps them from distractions. Knowing they’re doing something meaningful gives them a sense of purpose and the courage to see it through to the end.

These women give until it hurts because they can’t save everyone. Their drive often sends them down a path of self-neglect, forgetting to do the everyday and mundane in lieu of loftier goals. They forget that the forest, beautiful as it may be, is still composed of trees. They take failure and criticism personally, and when they can’t satisfy everyone, no one is happy.

Often, they are private, reserved and self-conscious. But their need for these qualities contribute to self-doubt as lofty goals take time to reach. Just as often, they dream of the perfect relationship and plan the ideal celebrations only to be drenched by imperfection and are devastated when loving relationships require work. Can anyone say, “Hopeless Romantic?”

Try giving your characters these qualities and see how they change your POV Character Arc. You just might find a deeper, more vibrant story evolving in ways you never thought of before.

The world is meant to be felt and experienced. Every day is a performance, and there is no time for waxing philosophical. The future will take care of itself, but because time marches inexorably forward, some men choose to seize the moment rather than let it pass by. I know it seems strange, but some men love to pay attention to people, almost always have something to talk about.

Have you ever known a man like that? I do. I think fondly on “Jim” as the man who can B.S. on command. He was happiest when interacting with people, and whether the conversation was social or down-to-business, he found supreme joy in surrounding himself with people.

As expected, Jim was a poor long-term planner, but damn! if every day wasn’t fun, whether working or playing. He always had a smile on his face and a joke, usually bane, on the tip of his tongue.

And, yes, he often would say what he thought was needed when avoiding conflict. As you can imagine, his intimate partners were many, short-lived, and free-spirited as he was.

Imagine my surprise when he, as he got older, found someone he wanted to stay with for the rest of his life? “Give it a couple of years,” I said. I was wrong. It’s been several years now and, to the best of my knowledge, there is no end in sight.

What about a character who embraces change like this as a character arc? I can think of a dozen ways to structure a story to include such a personality. Can you?

Some women, 6.3 percent of them, according to one study, are strong in both self-confidence and principles. That’s not to say the remaining ninety-four percent aren’t principled and confident, but these traits are especially strong in this type of woman. They use these qualities to protect their families with admirable consistency, avoiding emotional roller-coasters with stubborn belief. While they work to exemplify truthfulness and reliability, doing what they say they’ll do, their stubbornness often prevents them from comprehending other possibilities that might work, too busy doing what they know works… at least last time.

It is difficult to “let their hair down” fearing to look the fool. For these women, a detour off the proficient beaten path, breathtaking as it might be, passes by them as they worry about reaching their destination an hour late, hurting loved ones by rejecting the suggested detour too harshly.

Because they take pride in taking roles of community organizers, working hard to bring everyone together, especially regarding traditional values that hold communities and families together, it’s no wonder they are in demand. My guess, looking into my crystal ball, is that our first lady president will be just this sort of woman.

This personality type makes for creating great characters and supporting characters in our stories. Who doesn’t like a strong-willed leader who stands for traditional values? Who can’t see an antagonist standing against the new upcoming ideologies? When embracing change and chaos to adopt the new philosophy is displayed as the only path, this woman will fight tooth and nail against it.

Now that sounds like a new story unfolding, doesn’t it?

Men are strong and powerful, protective, and sometimes destructive in order to create, right? Not always. Sometimes, men become emotional. Some men avoid conflict rather than rush toward it. These men are too worried about the here and now to plan for the future—in relationships, financial matters, careers, and everything in between.

For these men, their aversion to conflict creates a tendency to be observant—too observant. They notice small changes—anything out of the norm. Emotional tension, especially from a partner, is conflict and they take everything personal. Nearly always, these men will bend over backward to please and often become annoyed, or worse—manipulative and passive-aggressive, when unspoken desires are not fulfilled by their partners. They operate from a belief that they have done x, and y and therefore deserve z without having to ask for it. Because asking is weak.

Conversations with these men are often fun and sometimes quirky, but never deep, especially about themselves. They prefer to remain closed rather than open themselves to criticism and pain.

When writing scenes, keep in mind these tendencies. Believe it or not, a male character who is not the alpha-male might just win over your critics because even supporting characters have flaws. It makes them real.

It’s not hard to find women with integrity. Most prefer to own self-descriptions that include terms like dutiful, responsible, calm, effective and efficient. But find one that is not stubborn, who can’t consider others’ emotional reactions before they act, and who refuses to blame themselves when they become overwhelmed and can’t deliver on promises? Good luck.

All characters in our stories must bear weaknesses if they are to be believable and endearing. When writing a scene that contains an ISTJ female, instead of focusing on their qualities, such as the strength of their will in creating or maintaining order, highlight their inability to be sensitive to the needs of others. Or maybe create drama by having this character not bend the rules, or become highly judgmental of others with opposing views.

Do you want to get deeper into their personality? Go to your quiet place and conjure a memory, the darker, the better, of a time when a mistake tore at your self-image. Dig deep. Open yourself to the pain of the moment and how you thought, at the time, that you would never, ever live it down.

Write from that dark place, and give your characters flaws.